Review: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010) by R.J. Cavender

Something occurred to me about a half-hour into the new “Nightmare on Elm Street” remake. You can’t make people enjoy shitty remakes when they’re not even asking for them in the first place.

And, make no mistake; this film is a totally worthless pile of shit.

I didn’t expect much, to be honest with you. But, I really didn’t expect SO little either. I’d say it looked like a ‘SyFy Originals Film’, but that would be an insult to the already questionable talent of the folks over at the SyFy channel. This film was an absolute chore to watch.

If I were to choose one word to best describe my main issue with this film, it’d be — Unimaginative. Cinematically, it looks like some “I Know Your Final Destination Last Twilight”/Lifetime Television hybrid. In fact, it really felt quite pasteurized to me. And instantly forgettable.

Within the first twenty minutes of the film there is a death, and yet when the characters were talking about it, I actually had a moment when I forgot how this character died. It made that little impact on me. Just another flat brooding 30-year-old teenager. The original movie had teenagers that actually looked and acted like teenagers, and I think that added a lot to movie for whatever reason. We’ll never see that in an American horror film again, apparently.

Moving on, and it’s an hour into the movie before there is any real sort of surrealism, which is one of the things that made the original so spectacular and inventive—in my mind. You know? The upwards floating feathers, the laws of physics not applying in the dream world, the girls jumping rope singing creepy nursery rhymes. All the elements this film was never able to nail down.

Even in Freddy’s world, it seems the tension and intensity is toned down in this film. I frankly started to wonder if they were initially shooting for a PG-13 rating. The pacing, even an hour in, just doesn’t have the sort of immediacy that you’d expect in any horror film. I just didn’t care for any of the main characters. In fact, I was quite comfortable with seeing them die horribly. Sadly enough, the Freddy we’re given is a declawed version at best.

Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy

In this film, Freddy Krueger is reduced to a monotone Tom Waits impersonation. I mean, if I can’t have characters to root for, at least I can side with the villain, right? Perhaps I’m jaded, but I feel that all these characters are either less interesting that the backdrop, or just total cardboard hipster douchebags. So…I want to watch them get slaughtered. And, I’m not even allowed a decent villain to cheer for? No, I’m given a butt-faced pedophile with no inflection at all to his speech pattern. Jumping Jesus! Billy Bob Thornton as Slingblade would sound like a tweaking valley girl compared to this gravel-throated mumblefuck.

Simply put, the ‘New Freddy’ looks like the guy who dresses up as Freddy Krueger on the Hollywood walk of Fame (Sorry, Hollywood Walk of Fame guy!)

And, the history this film jumbled. It’s Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” all over again.

The added elements of this film were unnecessary, and the deleted elements were inexcusable. Don’t assume that you can replicate, mimic, ‘reimagine’, and edit at the same time. Show some respect. You have no idea what you’re doing and the final product shows it.

It’s like the director decided to do an updated ”CSI” redux of certain pivotal scenes from the original, and through this tunnel vision need to recreate something totally diluted the genius that was already there. I mean, seriously….a CEILING KILL. Can you ruin it? Indeed, you can. Even the bath scene was flubbed.

In fact, not a damn thing about this film was satisfying. The first shot of the house on Elm Street and I’m thinking ‘That’s Nancy’s house?’ The first reveal of the new and improved demon from our dreams and I’m shaking my head thinking ‘THAT’S FREDDY?’

I don’t mean to shit on this film. I wanted to like it. But, it’s impossible. One of the best villains of the last 30 years has been reduced to a fake jump-scare. I’ve seen porn with better character development.

Even a Tarantino gag stolen right out of Pulp Fiction plays flat in the hands of this director. It’s like he’s vying for the contract job to build “The Freddy Krueger Experience” at MGM of something.

Everything about this film feels like I’ve seen it done before, and the first time around it was a lot more entertaining and a hell of a lot scarier. I’m sure there will be plenty of sequels to this travesty, and I’m sure each will be worse than the last.

Robert Englund will always be the REAL Freddy Krueger, as far as I’m concerned. 

Fuck the remakes. Give us something new, Hollywood.

Robert Englund as Freddy

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