+ 5-Minute (*No-Spoiler) Mini Movie Reviews + by R.J. Cavender 11/27/09

RATINGS KEY-

 

His Name Was Jason (2009)

 

The time seems about right to finally dedicate a documentary to one of the most well-known, world recognized and famous of all slasher icons, Jason Voorhees. And this documentary does a great retrospective on the franchise — both past and present — and on the mutant-madman with the machete. Some great insights and memories from folks involved, such as cast members, directors, creators, and several of the actors who portrayed Jason over the years including Kane Hodder. And as an added bonus, the entire 2 hour special is hosted by special effects god and guru (and the man who made Jason as gory as can be) Tom Savini himself. A very ambitious and insightful flick documenting all 30 years and 300 kills that can be attributed to the Voorhees name.

 

 

 

 

 

Saw VI (2009)

 

So … it’s Halloween time again, and that can only mean one thing. Another crappy SAW movie. Dunno. I’m just sort of done with this series. I mean, I’ll still watch them, but overall I’ve just sort of lost interest. The series was just a bit more compelling with the Jigsaw killer alive. All this posthumous intrigue and murder just leaves me sort of indifferent. Some great kills, though. But that doesn’t make a great movie. And while this entry in the franchise isn’t horrible, it’s just pretty much forgettable.

 

 

 

 

Paranormal Activity (2009)

 

Okay, I went and saw this with a friend of mine who gets scared REALLY easily at horror films. But, since she made me go see the latest Harry Potter film, I had to exact my revenge somehow.

She laughed her ass off.

Maybe I’m jaded, as I thought this film was like watching raw footage from a do-it-yourself “Ghost Hunters” episode. And while I thought it built up the tension quite well, ultimately the payoff for this film was nothing short of those “shock value” YouTube clips that throw a scary image at you unexpectedly with the volume full up.

The crowd I saw this with was laughing AT the film, more than laughing with it … or really scared by it. Some of the biggest ‘jump’ moments came from some smart-ass kid yelling “Arggggg!” at some inappropriate time, making everyone scream and then roar with laughter.

So the film was great at building tension. But after the final scene I heard a fair share of groans and f*ck that’s … enough to make me think that a good deal of the audience I had seen this film with had felt in some way cheated. It had a few moments, but other than that it was just ultimately forgettable.

A good example of the hype not matching up with the reality. Go see TRICK R TREAT or ZOMBIELAND if you want a decent new release. Even THE HILLS RUN RED is better than this, and I didn’t think that film was even all that interesting.

There’s NO reason to see this at the theater. I wish I’d rented it on DVD. Usually, I really dig having a live audience full of people who might jump, scream, or otherwise react to scenes I might not be as easily freaked out by. But, in this case, it’s just not necessary.

My friend, who I mentioned before, told me she’d seen creepier things in SCARY MOVIE, and again, this girl is freaked out EASILY. But this film can just be mocked on so many levels, and so very easily, that I doubt it’ll even be mentioned or remembered by this time next year.

It’s no BLAIR WITCH. Hell, it’s not even a close runner up to a BLAIR WITCH 2. It’s just 85 minutes of people setting up a camera and saying “Did you hear that?” “What the f*ck was THAT?”

Possibly the worst title ever, too. Yeah, I mean, that is such an A&E or Discovery Channel title.

And the whole $15,000 “but they made it so cheap” debate. Well, yeah … they made a movie for 15K. Okay, great. But (in my opinion) it wasn’t a GOOD movie. I mean, do we really want to encourage shoddy filmmaking? I mean, I can go and film a movie ENTIRELY on my cellphone, 30 seconds at a time … for FREE. Doesn’t mean anyone would want to watch it.

I hope this entire film leaks onto YouTube. That’s where it belongs. It’s nothing but a viral campaign turned marketing experiment.

In closing: I felt cheated. If I’d watched this on YouTube, I might have thought it was ambitious and refreshing. But put it in a theater surroundings, ask me for $10 a pop to see it, and then give me … THIS?

“A sucker is born every minute.”

I bought the ticket. I took the ride. I watched crap.

 

In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and LIST all the 1st/2nd Person Gonzo projects/scenes that I personally have seen that I feel are BETTER than PARANORMAL ACTIVITY:

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

CLOVERFIELD
THE LAST HORROR FILM
HOME MOVIES
[.REC]
QUARANTINE
SUICIDE
JUNE 6TH
MAN BITES DOG
Prodigy – “Smack my Bitch Up” video
Opening scene from original HALLOWEEN

Opening scene of AMERICAN BEAUTY
Scenes from BENNY’S GAME
Scenes from STORYTELLING

It would take a LOT to make me watch PA again. Hell, I’d watch BLAIR WITCH 2 again before I’d ever revisit 80-some minutes of “What’s that? Did you HEAR THAT?!?!” This movie made me chuckle, but that’s about it.

Yeah, I pretty much hated this film.

 

*Update – I finally saw the original ending online and I’ll say it was much better than the theatrical release ending I saw. But, that still didn’t save this one for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Late Fee (2009)

 

This one didn’t make it past the 1/2 Hour Rule. I had to shut it off about 15 minutes in. It looked like it was filmed for a high school audio/visual class and the first few minutes were filled with acting that shouldn’t even grace a 70’s porno set. Just horrible. And this is coming from someone who LIKES horrible movies. But there wasn’t even a chuckle to be found in this low-rent space-waster. The DVD would make a better beer coaster than ever being used for entertainment purposes.

 

 

NO SKULLS (A FIRST!)